So, I took my medication and I poured my trauma out
On some sad-eyed middle aged man’s overpriced new leather couch
And we argued about Jesus, finally found some middle ground
I said, “I’m cured”
This stanza speaks to my initial thoughts about how therapy worked, and what I was expecting. The line we argued about Jesus, finally found some middle ground feels extra personal to me, because one of the things I love about Brittlie is that we share similar opinions on religion.
And I divvied up my anger into 30 separate parts
Keep the bad shit in my liver, and the rest around my heart
I’m still angry at my parents, for what their parents did to them
But it’s a start
This, to me, is speaking to the way I deal with my mental health struggles. Keep the bad shit in my liver, and the rest around my heart is about using THC/Alcohol to ‘mask’ or forget things that are bothering me. I’m still angry at my parents, for what their parents did to them, but it’s a start is a really big line for me. I struggle to fully point blame at my parents for some of the things I probably should, and instead write it off as just ‘who they are’.
But I ignore things, and I move sideways
‘Til I forget what I felt in the first place
At the end of the day, I know there are worse ways
To stay alive
This stanza really helped me realize how I, personally, deal with things that bother me. I tend to push things to the side, until they ‘don’t bother me anymore’. I know there are worse ways to stay alive is kind of something I say to myself. It’s almost as if I know that the way I deal with things isn’t the best, but there is also way worse ways to deal with these struggles.
‘Cause everyone’s growing and everyone’s healthy
I’m terrified that I might never have met me
Oh, if my engine works perfect on empty
I guess I’ll drive
This is one of my main pain points with my mental health. I see all of these ‘normal’ people around me living their lives and being happy, but my emotions are so back and forth, I don’t know who I even am when you take it all away. The last lines again are like the way I used to feel. I know I’m not living my life the best it can be, but I’ve survived this long, so why change it?
So, I forgot my medication, fell into a manic high
Spent my savings at a Lulu, now I’m sufferin’ in style
Why is pain so damn impatient? Ain’t like it’s got a place to be
Keeps rushin’ me
This makes me think of my own manic highs. I tend to lean on ‘retail therapy’, and even more specifically, buying clothes for myself. It doesn’t make me feel better about whatever I’m down about, but at least I’m suffering in style. My brain also has a tendency to bring me emotional pain/discomfort about things in the future that don’t need to bother me right now, it keeps rushin’ me.
And if all my life was wasted
I don’t mind, I’ll watch it go
Yeah, it’s better to die numb than feel it all
This comes back again to the unhealthy way of dealing with (ignoring) my struggles. This used to be something of a ‘motto’ of mine. I felt that ignoring my problems was way better than dealing with them. Which, even if it’s easier, I know this to not be the best solution.
No responses yet