I’m having a ton of anxiety about this woman I met at Magic. As do most things, this is causing anxiety about the situation AND anxiety about my anxiety. I keep bouncing between reasons why this situation is so stressful to me. I’d love to reach out to someone for advice, but I don’t even know what I need advice on.
There is a woman who I met at Portals that I would very much like to ask out. I met her for the first time a month or two ago. I was at a table with Sam at the time, we were talking about our decks and bouncing ideas off each other, when this woman comes up with her son, who, if I had to guess, is about 12-ish(?), and asks if they can sit down and play. Sam and I said yes, so they sat down, and we talked about what they were playing to gauge what we (Sam and I) should play. They were playing precons. The woman said that she was just getting back into Magic after not having played since she was younger (similar to my situation), and that this was her son’s first time playing outside of at home with her. I pulled out a precon of my own, and Sam pulled a deck that she had bought online that was a ‘starter’ deck, so wasn’t very good. We only played one game I believe. The mom was fairly familiar with the game but struggled a bit with more advanced rules and keywords, and the son was definitely still learning, so Sam and I made it a point to help both of them out with learning. It ended up being a really fun game. After the game, while the two of them were packing up, we chatted about the game, and Magic in general. Both of them thanked Sam and I for being so helpful, and the son was going on about how much he liked my deck. Although it was a pretty typical game with new players (which I personally try to join in on as much as possible), I did take a liking to the mom. This wasn’t the first time I had played with a person with whom I was attracted to/interested in, but it’s never something I’ve acted on, or given thought to.
The second time I played with her was a couple weeks later. I was in a pod with (I believe) Eddie and Matt. Again, she came up and asked to join in. I’m pretty sure she recognized me from before, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a her seeking me out thing, she was just looking for a table, and mine was the first (and I’m pretty sure the only) pod with an open seat. She sat down, and I recognized her and asked where her son was. She explained that he was with his dad this weekend. We played a few games as a pod. She played two precons that I own/had owned and enjoyed in the past. Because of this, I knew some plays/tricks that really only pertain to those decks in particular and are not really obvious to new (and even some experienced) players. I made it a point to point them out to her, as well as, with the consensus of the rest of the pod, let her take back plays to show her how to play them differently, for which she was grateful. Again, this is something that I do with ANY player assuming they aren’t an asshole, and it’s not decided pre-game that this will be a competitive game. This is how I learned, so I do it every chance I get to help new players learn, and more experienced players get an edge. I may have subconsciously put more focus into her gameplay in the interest of making an impression on her, but also, the rest of the pod was Matt and Eddie who I play with a lot and know their decks and playstyles, so, by default, I would have still put more attention to the player who I was less familiar with. She ended up leaving fairly early, and I continued playing afterwards with Matt and Eddie, and another player who jumped in in her place.
The types of interactions (Going off track here, but this is important to the rest of the story)
There, in my mind, are three levels of interactions with people I am acquainted with at Magic. These ‘levels’ are not inherently mutual, but just levels of communication that I, personally have with certain people:
The passing hello
The passing hello phase generally comes after playing with someone for the first time. I’ll see them the next week, and I give them a ‘hey, what’s up’ in passing. If there’s multiple pods open, and they are one of them, it doesn’t really affect how I choose which one I’ll go to. I have a few players in this level. I do not know most of their names.
The friendly acquaintances
The friendly acquaintances are people who I’ve either played with multiple times with positive experiences or may have played with once and have clicked with. Generally, this builds from a ‘passing hello’ type of acquaintance. If there are multiple pods open, and one of these people are in one of them, I will gravitate to those pods. In passing, it’s usually a ‘what’s going on <name>’. I try to retain the names of these people to memory. Diop comes to mind at this time for that. I’ve played with him a few times, have retained his name to memory, and will seek out playing with him if I am looking to play at that level. I may try to avoid playing at his pod if I’m not feeling that level of gameplay. For him, he plays at a higher level, and I sometimes am feeling lower-level gameplay, but I have other acquaintances that generally play at a lower level, so I’ll avoid their pods when I am looking to play at a higher level. What level I’m looking to play at generally varies from day to day, but regardless, I will try, if possible, to avoid an acquaintance’s pod if I’m not looking to play at the level the table is playing at. Conversation at the table with these people is primarily Magic related, whether it’s about our decks, or reminiscing on past games we’ve played, etc.
The Magic friend
I have a few people who I consider friends in the context of Magic. These are people who I have connected with on a more personal level, and we share insight to each other’s lives outside of Magic. I will try to join a pod that they are in, if at all possible, even if there are other open pods, and even if I have to wait through their current game to play, but if they are already in a full pod, then generally, I won’t be able to play with them that day and am ok with it. Eddie is a good example of this. We share a lot in common, and our conversation is generally less about Magic and more about life. We will talk about work, or about my family, or about work he is doing on his house.
The outside friend
An ‘outside friend’ is someone who I consider a friend outside of Magic. I will either have pre-planned to be in a pod with this person, or if I see them, I will automatically either try to jump into a pod with them as a fifth or play in another pod just until another pod opens up with them. I don’t currently have anyone like that, but Sam was a good example of this.
Back to the story
The third time I talked to her, and the time that really got me to this point in my brain, was this past Sunday. I was at the counter, had just bought into the checklist event, and was turning to try to find a table, and I saw her come in alone. I shifted course a bit to address her. We stood at the counter and chatted for a few minutes, both Magic related, and not. It was definitely a level of interaction that fell into the realm of a ‘Magic Friend’, or even an ‘Outside Friend’. In fact, this was probably the first time I have continued, let alone sought out a conversation with someone while not at a table. She was playing the prerelease event, and I was not. This meant that we would not be able to play together on this particular day. I went and found a pod of randoms and sat down to play, and she went over to the prerelease tables. At some point, she I guess had a break in her games, and came up and said hi while I was in the middle of a game. I at this point had zero chance of winning or even making ANY impact on the game at all, so I turned to chat with her. She was telling me about how the prerelease was going, and I was playfully lamenting about my bad luck in the current game. She pointed out my playmat and mentioned that her son would really like that playmat. she signaled to him, who unbeknownst to me was sitting almost directly behind me. I mentioned that I had no idea that he was even there that day. She replied playfully with something along the lines of “I was just as surprised as you were”. I didn’t ask, but my assumption was that this was because dad brought him that day. That paired with her mentioning that she drove all the way to Easton to play on Friday just so that she wasn’t ‘suck at home alone’, leads me to believe that she is single. She again joined back in to the prerelease event, and my game was officially over at this point, so I shuffled up for another game. A little while later, the son comes up to my table, comments on my playmat, and proceeds to talk my ear off about his game. I chatted with him on and off for a few minutes while still trying to be an active participant in my game.
I suck at these kinds of things
The first issue is that I’m not great at talking to people I am interested in, especially with intention. In general, I am not great at communicating with people whom I’m ‘crushing’ on, but I have gotten much better at ‘being normal’ and building friendships. There is a guy, Dylan, who I am very attracted to, and I play with him fairly regularly. He does have a monogamous partner, so obviously, there will never be intention to the interactions I have with him. Ending up in pods with him has been good training for me for how to communicate in this situation and retain a friendship of sorts, and he and I (on my scale) are leaning hard on the line between acquaintances and Magic friends, and I’m comfortable with that. With this woman, it’s different. Up until this weekend, I was deep into the Magic Friend zone with her in terms of level of interaction, but my ‘crush’ on her grew with every interaction. This leads to some anxiety on my part on multiple levels. The first being that I am afraid that I will not be able ‘to keep my composure’ with her the way I do with Dylan. Dylan was easy, since he is not ‘attainable’ (Not a huge fan of that term, but fits in this situation in a NOT creepy way). This woman is different in that I know that she is single. I’d really like to ask her out, or at least exchange info to take the friendship outside of Magic. Even the idea of exchanging info is scary to me with her. I do recognize that just exchanging information is not inherently a step towards dating and have made that step with Eddie. We exchanged email addresses, so that I can send him some code that I wrote, and while, never explicitly discussed, we are both under the understanding that there are no intentions there (He is straight, and I’m also not interested in him in that way). The fact that I really want to ask this woman out would make even exchanging info very scary for me. I know that I could use exchanging info as a steppingstone to asking her out, but it’s harder when I know that that is what it is, and it would be hard for me to even pretend that it’s not with her.
I am okay jumping in headfirst in intention-led conversation with someone on a dating site, because I know that a.) this person is romantically available, and b.) this person is most likely actively pursuing romantic relationships.
Ruining a friendship/making it weird
This leads directly into another issue I’m having while thinking about this; I don’t want to ruin a ‘friend’ relationship with her by pursuing her romantically. I had the same concern with Sam and have it even more with this woman. The difference is that with Sam, I had interest in Sam because I wanted to date someone, but with this woman, I want to date her in particular. This made it easy for me to ultimately be ok with/want to NOT pursue dating her. With this woman, I am very interested in dating her, and it a platonic friendship I feel like would very much, in my head, be me ‘settling’. Not that I wouldn’t enjoy being in a platonic relationship with her, I just feel like I will always wish it was more. Regardless, I don’t want to lose the chance at a platonic friendship with her. I’ve seen and have experienced many situations where one person trying to push a romantic relationship has made platonic relationships feel awkward to the point that they get pushed into more of acquaintances. I do not want this to happen with me and her. Part of me wants to hold in my desires to pursue asking her out, and proceed like I have with Dylan, but it’s proving to be much harder to let myself consider that option.
Ruining my escape
Any other romantic pursuits are generally people whom I will never see again, since primarily, they come from a dating app. This woman is different because there is a good chance that I could see her very often. Shooting my shot, getting shot down, then having to interact with, or even see that person on a semi-regular basis would be very hard for me, and I feel like would put a damper on what is currently an activity that is honestly really good for me mentally. Magic is my time to step away from the real world, and do something I love doing, while also practicing being better at socializing. I feel like if I pursue her and don’t ‘succeed’, no matter what our relationship ends up being, the joy and comfort I get from playing Magic will diminish to at least some extent.
The Deterrents
My fucked-up situation
My current situation is obviously a big factor that will make considering moving forward or even opening up to her really hard. The fact that I’m technically legally married AND living with my wife is a major deterrent for me dating in general. I know and accept this and pass no judgement to those people who would not be interested in a relationship with me because of it. Honestly, I know that there is probably a VERY small subset of people willing to date someone in my situation. Because of this, I know that statistically there is a VERY VERY low chance that a romantic relationship with anyone is something that is possible. I am working on not letting this deter me from putting myself out there in general, but I’m having extra difficulties with this one due to the aforementioned reasons.
My financial situation is obviously also an issue. The only way I know how to ask someone out is to ask them to dinner, or coffee, or drinks. I cannot afford any of those things at the moment. Coffee is the least expensive of the three for sure, and I think that’s the route I would go, but what if she doesn’t drink coffee? The logical next step would be saying ‘how about drinks instead’ or ‘how about dinner instead’, but depending on the week, those options would be out of the question, especially if I end up paying for all of it. I’m not really fond of the ‘the man pays for the date’ mentality, but I feel like it’s polite to offer. I’ll generally offer but not fight when the other person declines to let me pay. I don’t really want to go into a date knowing that paying for the whole thing is absolutely not an option.
Reading the signs
I have always been bad a reading signs from people. Less in the idea of not being able to see signs when they are presented, but more into the reading into signs that were never actually signs. However, I feel in my head that this woman could be giving very subtle signs, whether intentionally or not. The problem is that given my track record of misreading, it is entirely possible that I am doing that in this situation. The first one being that second time we played together. She came to my table specifically, even though there were definitely more open pods at that time. This one is definitely the least possible of being any type of ‘sign’, I know, but it’s still in my head that it could be. The second, if that’s what it truly is, is less of a sign, but more of an observation. I’ve noticed her playing once or twice where she had come in while I was in a full pod and deep in game, so we would exchange a passing hello, but she would end up playing at a different pod. My creepy ass will secretly glance over at her and observe her. I notice that her interaction with other players has never been, in my opinion, as enthusiastic as the few interactions I’ve had with her. I do recognize that playing with a pod of randoms can be awkward at time, and also that (not bragging or anything) Sam and I seem to be two of the most approachable, and friendly players when it comes to new players. That being said, it is easier to be more enthusiastic and friendly with someone who is also enthusiastic and friendly. This past Sunday stood out to me a bit more in this sense though. The fact that she stood there and chatted enthusiastically and openly with me seemed like a ‘sign’ to me. In most situations, conversations at the sales counter are very brief, ending with either the two people walking to find a pod together, or often breaking off and finding separate pods. This did not happen with me and this woman. We stood there and chatted until she had to break off because the prerelease event was about to start, and she needed to find a seat. Moreover, the fact that she made a point to stop by my table to say hi kind of stood out to me while I was mid-game. Again, this is not a common interaction that I’ve noticed. I will admit that my table was directly on the way to the bathroom, but even in those situations, most people will maybe say hello but rarely strike up conversation during an ongoing game, in the interest of not interrupting gameplay. I always get really anxious that I am reading into, and acting on signs that don’t exist, because I would feel really dumb if that were the case, and I get called out on it.
The son
One very big deterrent in this whole debacle is this woman’s son. From the first time that I played with her and him, he seems to have taken a liking to me. That first game we played, I obviously gave more attention to him and his gameplay more than anyone at the table, simply because he was a kid, and was brand new at playing Magic, so I wanted to make sure he learned the correct rules, as well as the tips and tricks. I like to take every chance get to get and keep people excited about playing magic, especially younger people just getting into it. However, I feel like he may have seen me really going out of my way to work with him and gained a lot of respect for me because of it. I really got thinking about it on Sunday after he went out of his way to come talk to me. Even when we realized that we were sitting basically back-to-back, he seemed really excited to see me, and it wasn’t long after that that he came and talked to me. I worry about, especially if her and I do decide to pursue a romantic relationship, him getting attached to me, and either her or I deciding that it won’t work out. I feel like this would put extra pressure on us to try to possibly stick with a relationship that one or both of us aren’t 100% into, or worse, leaving the son hurt. I ran into that a little bit with Dawn, She’ll probably never admit it, but I feel like once her son Logan found out about us, that put some pressure on her, and me to an extent to push back some reservations we may have had about Dawn and my relationship as a whole, since Logan really likes me, and would love to see us together. I’d hate to put myself, this woman, or her son in a similar situation.
I don’t know her name
I’m chronically bad at remembering names. Generally, if someone stands out to me in one form or another, their name stands out as well. This woman is kind of an exception. I, for the life of me, canot remember her name. Both times I played with her she has introduced herself by name, but I cannot remember it. I feel like asking someone with whom you’ve chatted with and been introduced to by name multiple times out AND asking them what their name in the same day is not really a good look. At this point, asking her directly at all isn’t really a good look either. My best bet at this point is to hope that I get into a pod with her and either a random and hope that everyone introduces themselves, or with someone like Eddie who I can secretly ask to casually ask her what her name is.
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